Is your love addiction killing your sex life?
If you feel that you never really get enough sex or love making in your relationship, or if you feel that your partner is rejecting you sexually and does not touch you, kiss you, caress you and hold you enough, then this is an episode for you! You will also learn what to do to invite more connection and intimacy into your life today.
Many women shared with me that they find themselves oftentimes in a position of longing. A longing to be wanted more, to be seen more, to be validated more and in a way to be loved more.
Sexual intimacy for many of us is kind of proof that we are wanted and loved for sure. Through sex, we often feel ourselves again and surely it is an important part of relationships, unless we consciously decide otherwise.
I wanna tell you why I chose this topic. Cause this is very personal to me. I have repeatedly attracted and experienced relationships where the guys would eventually reject me sexually, would not sexually show up the way I wanted them to. They would not make love to me enough, they would not be intimate enough for me and I always felt that I don’t get what my heart truly longs for. Sometimes I would even be in relationships were sex was almost inexistent.
Whenever I would lay in bed with a guy, I would feel that longing coming up, that urge, that I need to be filled up by his cock. In other words, I didn’t want to feel that emptiness anymore. It was really automatic and involuntary in a way that I felt like I had no control over it. I wanted to be present and to be there, but I couldn’t because my mind went into obsessive thinking. As soon as I got closer to a guy, in or out of a relationship, all I could focus on was the thoughts of “is he gonna touch me?”, “is he gonna want me?”, “is he gonna take my clothes off?”, “are we gonna make love?”, “am I gonna get it?”, “will I be wanted?” and guess what; the chances of me actually getting any of that were very low.
So how is it that I experienced sexual rejection for most of my life? Why did I never get what I really wanted? Why did I have to face that unfulfilled longing over and over and over again?
See this was a pattern. To me, a pattern always indicates that there is something that I am not seeing, something that is in my corner, something that I am unaware off. So what really helps the most is to look at it from a perspective of taking responsibility for whatever shows up in my life. This continuous self-responsibility and self-enquiry as well as doing the work for many years, has enabled me to fully understand why this was my reality.
The place where I was coming from was a place of neediness, a place of desperation, a place of insecurity. I made my guys responsible for something they were not willing to give. The guys felt repelled by that frequency of neediness and desperation. The reality that showed up for me was simply a mirror that reflected what needed healing inside of myself. On one hand that rejection was definitely just playing into the beliefs that I had such as “I am not worthy to be loved and wanted” and on the other hand it came from that place of needing to fill that void and emptiness inside that I had felt for all my life. I was trying to get something that I never got and that I never felt in my very early years. I was on the run to find anything that would stop that painful longing for connection and love. And this is very common for Love Addicts.
Erich Fromm describes this so well. He says that loving from this place is a result from one remaining attached to the figure of a parent. In this case we transfer feelings, expectations and fears we once had toward mother or father to the loved person in our adult life.
In other words, we expect our partner to fulfill all of our longings, so we feel better. Now in a healthy relationship this happens naturally. Two people in a mature, adult compassionate relationship will be more than willing to fulfill each other’s most important needs but a relationship where you have to fight for having your needs met indicates a rather immature love, where the two people involved need to do some major healing before they can fully enjoy a healthy and deeply nurturing relationship.
So why are we stuck in this? Why does it seem that we cant change it, no matter how hard we try? Usually what happens is that the partner who is in a place of longing gets upset, becomes demanding, threatens to leave, is frustrated and blames. The other partner becomes even more repelled by that and comes to a place where he or she simply does not want to give it anymore. Then you find yourself in a vicious cycle of desperation and hopelessness and it keeps going back and forth without any constructive resolution.
So what can we do to turn this around right now? Here is how I did it. My last partner was the guy that enabled me to wake up from the nightmare of love addiction. We had a very typical dynamic between a typical love addict that was me and an avoidant love addict which was him. I will explain the different types of love addicts in more detail in coming episodes. Basically I was the one that never got what I longed for and he was the one that had power over giving or not giving to me. That put me into a position of desperation and hopeless-ness. Even in sex, he would decide, whether we have it, when we have it and how we have it.
So after many years of seeing that rejection over and over again, with him, I was finally able to turn things around. Besides his avoidant Love Addiction, he was a very deep, present and fascinating person. When he was not triggered, he could be the most wonderful man. He was always very inviting and accepting of my emotional nature. I gotta say though, as many Avoidant Love Addicts, he had quite strong narcissistic traits. Narcissists feed of an empaths’ emotions. It makes them feel alive as usually they can’t really feel. It’s their narcissistic supply which is why he would always let me be vulnerable in front of him. So again besides the love I felt for him, there were many dysfunctional parts.
So here is what I did. I would lay in bed and all these thoughts came up. He felt that neediness and would of course not respond to it. Now by that time I was already quite far ahead in my journey of overcoming love addiction and I had already learned how to feel instead of acting out. See the bitchiness, the expectations, the frustration, the blame, the drama, is all an act-out. We act out so we don’t have to feel the underlying feeling that actually causes our desperation. And its not only that we don’t want to feel but we don’t know how.
We had spent a week in Italy together. It was the most wonderful week. Same thing though, I needed to have him sexually as much as I could. At least once a day. So when I woke up, my body and my nervous system were really agitated. Everything inside of myself screamed: Please, please fill me up. I need your penis inside of me right now!”. Of course he felt that and me coming from place made dead sure that he would not respond to it. But I was really fed up of seeing sexual rejection again and I knew that it is up to me to change this around. So I asked him; would you hold space for me? Would you allow me to explore the feelings I feel behind my desperation of needing you? He was more than ready to do this. I started slowly to tap into the feelings that were right there. What was it that I wanted to say to him instead of being desperate? So I heard myself starting to talk and say: „why dont you want me?“ „why dont you want to give yourself to me?“ „i really need you to make love to me“, „i really want to feel you“, „i really want you to touch me“, „i am begging you“… And this went on for quite a while. I started crying, I deeply felt the desperation and hopelessness of not getting what I really needed. I shared my deep deep longing to be touched by him, to be wanted and to feel loved and needed. Through feeling these horrible feelings of emptiness and staying with them, over time, my nervous system started to relax again and with that, the urge to actually needing to fuck, started to vanish. We did this a couple of times and every time he encouraged me to feel instead of following that unhealthy urge. Every time, again and again my urge vanished and my nervous system started to relax.
One morning though, he did something very profound. That is what shifted everything for me and healed a painful wound inside of me. One morning, after I had felt the pain again, really not expecting him to actually give himself to me anymore and the urge again, was gone, he turned around and actually made Love to me. He made love to me in the sweetest, most connected way. He gave himself to me so fully when I least expected it. He penetrated me with his whole being, as if it was the last thing he would do on earth, with his heart in his cock, so deeply that it really felt like he de- armoured my heart. Whenever his penis would slide back into me he would so deeply hit my heart again and again and it was the most intimate and wonderful and deepest sexual experience I had ever had.
What happend in that moment and that was after many moments of feeling my feelings before this could happen that is why it was life-changing for me and ever since, my neediness never came back. That involuntary urge and neediness in my body, is gone. That is so much freedom for me. Because now when I lay in bed with a guy, I dont have to go anywhere. I am not ridden by an uncontrollable urge to make love. I feel like the emptiness inside of myself is gone.
So this is what I want you to do. I know it’s not easy. That level of vulnerability demands a high level of respect. It demands that you feel safe and that you trust and maybe in your relationship that is not the case. But if you do feel like you want to explore this, than I really suggest that next time that desperation comes up, that you choose to feel instead of acting out. In this podcast we will be talking more about this. How to feel instead of acting out. But for today, I simply encourage you to become mindful when the desperation, the urge, the expecation kicks in and ask yourself, what would you have to feel if you were not acting that out? And then stay with these feelings.
If you need help, just reach out and we take it from there!
Before I let you go, check out what Amy from Sweden said, after she listened to my podcast: